BloodRayne (2005) – This Is the Dark Soul

How come we don’t like Uwe Boll? I mean, everyone likes him. We really love his movie, all of his video game adaptations. In fact, that’s a dichotomy between what the audience wanted and what Uwe Boll wants to direct. “House of the Dead”, “Alone in the Dark”, “Far Cry”, everything about his movies, gamers must watch. But, do I seem to be exaggerating? Because of the fact, Uwe Boll is one of the worst directors of all time. It’s not a coincidence, it’s not a miracle, but it’s really hard to say all of his works were “so bad it’s good”.

I never played “BloodRayne” actually and I don’t really expect what I have more than this. This movie makes you feel like you want to throw yourself. At the same time, you just want to push yourself. Apparently, this doesn’t apply in a Gothic story about half-human, half-vampire, or whatever. I’m very excited about what this movie got to have. For example, I love watching half-vampire/half-human heroine, going to make love with a guy in a prison without any character development. I mean, it’s Uwe Boll. What about when a slayer decapitates a vampire in a bar? However, the people in the bar didn’t really care about that.

This movie is magnificent from its awfulness and even the cameo. When talking about Uwe Boll, he can put many famous Hollywood actors. In this film, you can see Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Billy Zane, Michelle Rodriguez, and others. But, I don’t understand why Kingsley only wants to exist in this film. In addition, he didn’t really have too much screen besides Kristanna Loken as the protagonist. Kingsley also acts as an antagonist but why does this movie not give even one damn thing about him? Michael Madsen, as well, why are you in this film too? Meat Loaf, what the f*ck were you doing?

I think all the actors in this film were getting drunk while they were filming this movie. Just look at Michael Madsen, seems like he doesn’t want to be on screen. Ben Kingsley as well, I don’t have any glimpse about whether this is really Ben Kinglsey or not. His acting is just amazing in this movie so I can’t close my eyes, I can’t describe what exactly this was. Meat Loaf is another good part of this movie, for real, because it just makes you think like the entire movie is a joke. I mean, even Uwe Boll was still Uwe Boll.

Is this a porn movie? The dialogue seems inspired by an Uwe Boll favorite porn movie. Even so, I don’t know what the name of the film is. The sex scene is just so completely sudden where any of this character has no relationship but the two of them have just met. Yeah, men love watching boobs or whatever but if I want to watch porn, I’ll watch it. But, I watch movies, I want to watch movies. The wigs, the costume, the set, there is no serious continuity between the issue and all of them. The gore and the blood seriously were just bad.

In addition to the actors, Uwe Boll is also able to put many respectable crews in this film. One of them is Guinevere Turner, best known for “Go Fish”, “American Psycho“, and “The Notorious Bettie Page”. Yet, I’m not watching “American Psycho” or any of her movies. Instead, this is a cheap version if you want to call it; feel like I don’t really watch her movies. 18th century Romania? What? I never knew that this film was set in such a time period unless I see it on IMDb. Watching it twice? Why do I have to do it again?

The plot? Do you want a premise? Okay, I give you. Kristianna Loken, the lady Terminator from “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”, escaped in a carnival freak. You know the story, alright? People consider vampires as a damned creature or everything. Another way to kill them is to splash water on their bodies, whatever the water was. So, she directly, without no apparent reason, set to take an act of revenge on her father, Ben Kingsley. He is the most powerful vampire, and a king of course, who raped and killed her mother. There is another sub-plot if you want to know. Three vampire slayers are trying to find the heroine. And that’s it I guess.

This movie contains many sub-plots yet because it’s based on a video game, it’s also very difficult to say as side missions. Other than that, “BloodRayne” is not intended for fans of the video game, fans of movies, or fans of vampire culture, unless you want to find sex, this movie is for you. Uwe Boll explores an ambiguous study character, better than any Terrence Malick films about ecocriticism or any PTA movies about the meaning of life. This movie is like a drug; don’t watch it too much.

1 out of 5 stars.